Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Seinfeld Characters by Quote Seinfeld may have been a 'show about nothing', but after 9 seasons on the air, it is amazing how much we still talk about 'nothing'. All games are listed in this genres and similar subgenres that are related to the category of Seinfeld match game games. Escape from the every day life routine and come into the online game paradise! Visit our Google+, Twitter and Facebook page. Mobile and desktop online game called match bingo is interesting mix of two.
Jerry Seinfeld Match Game Usaid Rules And Regulations Reference Manual Rumble Roses Jpn Isometric Exercises Confederate Edition Harley Davidson For Sale Aplikasi Sekolah Full Aplikasi Akuntansi Dengam Vb6.0 Western Union Bug Activation Serial Office Update Sigames Check Fm 2008 Tool.
Transcribed by The News Guy(Mike)Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld
Kramer - Michael Richards
George - Jason Alexander
Elaine - Julia Louis-Dryfus
Keith Hernandez - Himself
Rae Allen - Mrs. Lenore Sokol
Richard Assad - Cabby
Wayne Knight - Newman
Written by: Larry David and Larry Levin
Directed by: Tom Cherones
[New York State department of Labor]
MRS. SOKOL: Just sign here please.
GEORGE: I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was
very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell
latex like that (snaps fingers).
MRS. SOKOL: Sign that.
GEORGE: Who is this? (sees photo)
MRS. SOKOL: It's my daughta'
GEORGE: THIS is your daughter? My God! My God! I I hope you don't mind my
saying. She is breathtaking.
MRS. SOKOL: Ya' think so?
GEORGE: Ah, would you take this picture away from me. Take it away and get
it outta here. Let me just sign this and go.
MRS. SOKOL: You know she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
GEORGE: Okay, Okay. Who do you think you're talking to? What are ya'… you
trying to make a joke, because it's not funny. I can tell you that.
MRS. SOKOL: I'm serious.
GEORGE: It's one think to not give me the extension But to tease and to
torture me like this. There's no call for that.
MRS. SOKOL: Would you like her phone numba'?
MRS. SOKOL: Mrs. Sokol I, I don't know what to say. I, uh, where should I sign this
thing?
Seinfeld Video Game
MRS. SOKOL: No no no, Don't worry about it.[Fitzpatrick's Bar]
ELAINE: So tell me more about this game SIX.
KEITH: Well, there was two outs, bottom of the tenth, we're one out away from losing
the series.
ELAINE: ooooh ahhh
[Mike and Carol's Apartment]
KRAMER: (to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo
JERRY: (to baby) Hello. How are you/
CAROL: So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?
JERRY: Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.
CAROL: So how do you think she looks like?
KRAMER: Lyndon Johnson.
CAROL: What? Lyndon Johnson?
JERRY: He's joking.
KRAMER: I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.
CAROL: Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to
Michael, 'When is Jerry going to see the baby?'
JERRY: I was saying the same thing.
CAROL: Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.
JERRY: Uh, you don't have to take a picture.
MIKE: I don't know where it is.
CAROL: It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up! … He's such an idiot.
JERRY: Jerry, You want to pick her up?
JERRY: I better not.
KRAMER: I'll pick her up.
BABY: [cries]
[George's car]
CARRIE:Thank you for a wonderful time George.
GEORGE: Glad you enjoyed it.
CARRIE:I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time.
GEORGE: … millions and millions …
CARRIE:Would you like to come up?
GEORGE: [pause] Would I like to come up? I would love to come up. I, I'm fighting not
to. Fighting! Unfortunately I uh have to get an early start tomorrow. Gotta' get up
and hit that pavement
CARRIE:But it's Saturday. all the offices are closed.
GEORGE: I got me an appointment with a hardware store. I'm not saying I want to do it
for the rest of my life, but, uh, hardware fascinates me. Don't you love to make a
key?
CARRIE:Will you call me as soon as you get home?
GEORGE: [pause] Tonight?
CARRIE:Yes.
GEORGE: Will I call you when I get home? ha ha What do you think? ee, you kill me
kill me
CARRIE:Well. good night.[puckers up]
[Mike and Carol's Apartment]
KRAMER: Well it was an accident. Right Jerry it was an accident. Ah, she's going to be
all right. .. baby, baby, ah, baby.
[Keith's car]
ELAINE: Well, thanks for a nice evening. It was really fun.
KEITH: Yeah, it was. [mind] Gosh, should I kiss her good night?
ELAINE: [mind] Is he going to try to kiss me?
ELAINE: I love Cajun cooking.
KEITH: Really, you know my mom's one quarter Cajun.
ELAINE: Uh, my father's half drunk. ha ha ha ha
KEITH: Maybe they should get together. [mind] Go ahead. Kiss her.
I'm a baseball player dammit.
ELAINE: [mind] What's he waiting for? I thought he was a cool guy.
KEITH: [mind] Come on I won the MVP in 79. I can do whatever I want to.
ELAINE: [mind] This is getting awkward.
KEITH: Well, goodnight
ELAINE: Good night
[they kiss - REALLY KISS]
ELAINE: [mind] Who does this guy think he is?
KEITH: [mind] I'm Keith Hernandez.
[Jerry's Apartment]
ELAINE: Uh, who else? … Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him?
JERRY: I don't know him. I know who he is.
ELAINE: Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one
who got that hit …
JERRY: I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened?
ELAINE: Nuthin'. Then he took me home.
JERRY: So, did you two, uh, … have uh, …
ELAINE: What?!
JERRY: … You know
ELAINE: Milk?
JERRY: No!
ELAINE: Cookies?
JERRY: Did he kiss you good night?
ELAINE: I dunno.
JERRY: What do you mean you don't know?
ELAINE: All right. He kissed me. Okay?
JERRY: Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make
out thing?
ELAINE: Between a peck and a make out.
JERRY: So, you like him.
ELAINE: I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of
him?
JERRY: Ah, I'm jealous of everybody.
[phone rings]
JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, … um, yeah, okay,
uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
ELAINE: Who was that?
JERRY: That was Keith.
ELAINE: What's going on?
JERRY: He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE: Help him move? Move what?
JERRY: You know, furniture.
ELAINE: So, what did you say?
JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a
big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for,…
JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
[Kramer enters]
KRAMER: What's going on?
JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I
right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
JERRY: … I said yes.
KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how
can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going
to start driving him to the airport?
JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
KRAMER: yeah yeah
JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favour .
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.
KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
[George's car]
GEORGE: I had a great time tonight Carrie. And I am going to call you as soon as I get
home.
CARRIE: Don't bottha
GEORGE: Bother, wa', what kind of bother?
CARRIE: I would prefa' it if ya' didn'.
GEORGE: Why? Is there anything wrong?
CARRIE: It's over buddy. Done. Finished. So long. Good bye. Adios. Sayanara.
GEORGE: Why?
CARRIE: I bin thinkin about it. You got no job. You got no prospects. You're like Biff
Loman.
GEORGE: I went to the hardware store interview.
CARRIE: You think I'm going to spend my life with somebody because he can get me a
deal on a box of nails?
GEORGE: I thought were a team.
CARRIE: If I ever need a drill bit I'll call you. [exits car]
GEORGE: Carrie, could you do me a favour? Could you not mention this to your
mother?
[Fitzpatrick's Bar]
KEITH: Ya know I hate to brag but, uh, I did win eleven straight golden gloves.
ELAINE: [chuckles]
KEITH: I wouldn't have brought it up but since you mentioned it.
ELAINE: Ha, I didn't mention it.
KEITH: Well I won them anyway.
ELAINE: Well so what. I mean you played first base. I mean they always put the worst player on first base. That's were they put me and I stunk.
KEITH: Elaine. you don't know the first thing about first base.
ELAINE: ha ha well I know something about getting to first base. And I know you'll
never be there.
KEITH: The way I figure it I've already been there and I plan on rounding second
tonight at around eleven o'clock.
ELAINE: Well, uh, I'd watch the third base coach if I were you 'cause I don't think he's
waving you in. You know I hate to say this but I think we're really hitting it off. Get
it? Get it?
KEITH: Funny.
[Keith takes out a cigarette]
ELAINE: What are you doing?
KEITH: What's that?
ELAINE: You smoke?
KEITH: Yeah.
ELAINE: I didn't know you SMOKED.
KEITH: Is that a problem?
ELAINE: Uh, …
[Monks]
JERRY: She likes him I mean she really likes him.
GEORGE: How do you kn ow?
JERRY: Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
GEORGE: I suppose he's an attractive man, I , …
JERRY: Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some
night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go
together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.
GEORGE: Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald
woman around. You know?
JERRY: You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find
anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's
that.
GEORGE: You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall
woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.
JERRY: Really?
GEORGE: What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?
JERRY: I don't know … six three.
GEORGE: Wow, … god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my
life's ambition.
JERRY: So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas
Edison, Magellan, these types of people.
GEORGE: Magellan? You like Magellan?
JERRY: Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on.
GEORGE: Who do you like?
GEORGE: I like DeSoto.
JERRY: DeSoto? What did he do?
GEORGE: Discovered the Mississippi.
JERRY: Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
GEORGE: All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a
walk?
JERRY: No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment
at three. I'm helping him move.
GEORGE: What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.
JERRY: I know isn't that something?
KRAMER: He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?
JERRY: I don't know … he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break
something.
GEORGE: The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..
JERRY: I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
[New York State Department of lab or]
GEORGE: I gave. I gave everything I could Mrs. Sokol. but nothing was good enough
for her.
MRS. SOKOL: Sign here please.
GEORGE: Ha, I don't know who she's looking for. I don't know. I'll tell you something.
She's very particular, your daughter. Very particular. What is she looking for some
big hot shot businessman? Well I've got my pride too. I'm not going to beg her.
MRS. SOKOL: All right just sign it. People are waiting.
GEORGE: You, uh, you like baseball? [picks up baseball from desk]
MRS. SOKOL: That was autographed by the '86 Mets. I saw every inning that year.
GEORGE: Funny, cause I happen to be very good friends with Keith Hernandez.
MRS. SOKOL: You know Keith Hernandez.
GEORGE: Know him? Would you, uh, like to meet him?
MRS. SOKOL: Oh, come on. Come on.
GEORGE: I can produce Keith Hernandez right here within the hour.
MRS. SOKOL: All right. You got ONE hour.
GEORGE: All right Mrs. S. I and my good pal Keith Hernandez will be right back.
[exits]
[Same phone booth]
[George sees large construction worker in booth and leaves. he hops into a cab]
GEORGE: 129 west 81st street and hurry.
[same cabby stares at him]
GEORGE: Or Not [exits cab]
[Jerry's Apartment]
KEITH: Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd
say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got
the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.
JERRY: Is there a box spring?
KEITH: What's that?
JERRY: Is there a box spring?
KEITH: Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take
that apart. Then we got the couch.
JERRY: Is that a sectional?
KEITH: Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> …coffee table.
JERRY: Is that a thick marble?
[… Jerry and Keith start to laugh and Jerry walks behind Keith so they don't make eye
contact and break up]
KEITH: Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the
convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be
real difficult getting it down the stairs.
JERRY: STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
KEITH: Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.
JERRY: I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I
can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't.
[Kramer enters, sees Keith and does a double take]
KRAMER: Hello.
KEITH: Hello.
KRAMER: Oh, you don't remember me.
KEITH: No should I [continuity error: in fact he SHOULD from the basketball game]
KRAMER: Yeah, you should. I certainly remember you. Let me refresh your memory.
[Newman enters]
NEWMAN: June 14th, 1987. Mets Phillies. You made a big error. Cost the Mets the game. Then you're coming up the parking lot ramp.
KEITH: YOU said, 'Nice game, pretty boy.'
KRAMER: Ah, you remember.
NEWMAN: And then you spit on us.
KEITH: Hey, I didn't spit at you.
NEWMAN: Oh, yeah, right.
KRAMER: No no no, well, then who was it?
KEITH: Well lookit, the way I remember it [back to the grainy 8mm film parody] I was
walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty
boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned
around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road. …
Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream
out but it was too late. It was already on its way.
JERRY: I told you!
NEWMAN: Wow, it was McDowell.
JERRY: But why? Why McDowell?
KRAMER: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him
in the bullpen all game.
NEWMAN: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.
NEWMAN: It was McDowell.
KRAMER: Oh boy. Uh, look uh, Keith, uh, we're sorry.
NEWMAN: Yeah, I couldn't be sorrier. I uh.
KEITH: look guys, don't worry about it, I uh, Well I guess I better get going.
KRAMER: Wait, uh what are ya' doing?
KEITH: I gotta move.
KRAMER: Want any help?
KEITH: I'd love some.
KRAMER: I'd love to help you move.
NEWMAN: Me too.
KEITH: Ok guys, we gotta be careful of one thing. Some of the stuff's very fragile
We're going to have to handle it like a baby.
KRAMER: No sweat.
[they exit]
[phone rings]
JERRY: Hello, … oh hi Elaine .. what's going on … no he just left … you broke up
with him? … ME TOO .. what happened? … oh smoking you know you're like
going out with C. Everet Coope … me … nah … I couldn't go through with it … I
just didn't feel ready … so what are you doing now? … Oh, great idea, I'll meet you
there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye.
[George frantically enters]
GEORGE: Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?
JERRY: You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
GEORGE: [out the window] Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you
to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend … the guy from the
locker room, … I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait.
[sits down]
JERRY: Well Biff/ What's next?
GEORGE: I don't know.
[Tall girl enters]
TALL GIRL: Excuse me. I was walking behind you and you dropped your wallet.
The End
Jerry Stand up
When You're moving your whole world becomes boxes. That's all you think about is
boxes. Boxes, where are there boxes? You just wander down the street going in and out
of stores. Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes? I mean it's all you think
about. You can't even talk to people because you can't concentrate. Shut up I'm looking
for boxes. Just after a while you become like really into it you can smell them. You walk
into a store. There's boxes here. Don't tell me you don't have boxes. Dammit, I can
SMELL them. I'm like I'm obsessed. I love the smell of cardboard in the morning. You
could be at a funeral. Everyone's mourning crying around, and your looking at the
casket. That's a nice box Does anyone know where that guy got that box? When he's
done with it do you think I could get that? it's got some nice handles on it. And that's
what death is really. It's the last big move of your life. The hearse is like the van. The
pale bearers are your close friends the only ones you could ask to help you with a big
move like that. and the casket is that great perfect box you've been waiting for your
whole life The only problem is, once you find it you're in it.
Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays?
Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more!
Transcribed by: 13erla http://seinology.com
Posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
Seinfeld Board Game
(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits as two lines above are included - Thanks)Jerry Seinfeld Match Game Cast Members
Episode 80 - The Stand-In
pc: 516, season 5, episode 16
Broadcast date: February 24, 1994
Written by Larry David
Directed by Tom Cherones
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Cosmo Kramer
Guest Stars:
Mark Tymchyshyn ............Phil
Karla Tamburrelli ...............Daphne
Debbie Lee Carrington .....Tammy
W. Earl Brown ....................Al
Michael Rivkin ...................Fulton
Joe Gieb ...............................Johnny
Layne Beamer .....................Father
Thomas Dekker ..................Son
Jerome Betler ......................Director
rc: Danny Woodburn ........Mickey Abbott
[Setting: Comedy Club]
Opening Monologue: The bus is the single stupidest, fattest, slowest, most despised vehicle on the road. Isn't it? You ever notice when you get behind the bus, people in your car go 'what are you doing? get away, come on.' The back of the bus is like an eclipse isn't it? people are just like 'the sun, where's the sun?' It's like this huge metal ass taking up the whole wind shield of your car. When it pulls out it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa. (acts like he is trying to get out of a car and makes the sound of a bus/guy starting to get going)
(scene ends)
[Setting: Jerry and George on a Bus]
GEORGE: It's just not good, it's not good.
JERRY: It's not good.
GEORGE: I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.
JERRY: Well at breakfast everybody reads.
GEORGE: No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.
JERRY: You read during lunch?
GEORGE: Ya
JERRY: Oh, well.
GEORGE: There's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: Ya, what's there to talk about.
GEORGE: Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
JERRY: Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
GEORGE: She knows there is nothing to talk about.
JERRY: At least you'll be talking.
GEORGE: Oh shut up.
(Al comes onto the bus)
AL: Hey, look who's here.
JERRY: Hey, Al.
GEORGE: Hey, Al. How's it going?
AL: (extremely happy) Deeply in love. We have soo many things to talk about. Sometimes we'll talk all night, till the sun comes up (pauses in his happiness; to George) so how about you?
GEORGE: Oh I'm seeing someone, yes. You know her, Daphne Bower.
AL: Great girl.
GEORGE: We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.
JERRY: Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
AL: (to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?
JERRY: Ya.
AL: I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.
JERRY: Me?
AL: Ya, he said he could use a good laugh.
GEORGE: What about me?
AL: (to George) He didn't mention you. (Looks toward the front of the bus) This is my stop. Uh see ya.
GEORGE: Ya
JERRY: Ya, see ya.
(Al leaves)
GEORGE: Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
JERRY: (points to George) Ya.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry and George enter the apartment)
GEORGE: I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.
JERRY: Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me.
GEORGE: Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.
JERRY: Oh, stop it.
GEORGE: Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?
JERRY: So you're not gonna come?
GEORGE: No but say hello for me.
(Kramer and Mickey enter)
KRAMER: Hey!
JERRY: Hey! Hey Mick.
MICKEY: Hey Jerry.
KRAMER: What's doing?
JERRY: Nothing, what's doing with you?
KRAMER: Same old, same old.
JERRY: George this is Mickey.
GEORGE: Hi, nice to meet you.
(George and Mickey shake hands)
MICKEY: Pleasure.
JERRY: How's work going you guys?
MICKEY: Lets not even talk about it.
GEORGE: (to Kramer) You got a job?
KRAMER: Ya, Mickey. He hooked me up. We're stand-ins for the actors on 'All My Children.' Mickey, he's a stand-in for an eight year old kid and I stand in for the kids father.
MICKEY: (to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that paralegal crap.
JERRY: How do you stop a kid from growing?
KRAMER: (to Mickey) I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
MICKEY: I offered him cigarettes, (to Jerry and George) but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
KRAMER: (to Mickey) What about lifts?
MICKEY: (to Kramer) Out of the question.
GEORGE: (to Mickey) Can't you just switch with another Midget?
(Mickey grabs the counter with rage on his face, Jerry does a form of gulp)
MICKEY: (turns and moves up to George, points his finger at him) It's little people, you got that?
KRAMER: Easy Mickey, easy.
GEORGE: Yap..
KRAMER: All right we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?
JERRY: I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton.
KRAMER: (on his way to the door) Oh, oh well say hello for me.
(Kramer and Mickey leave Jerry's apartment and enter the hallway)
KRAMER: Now look, we're going to stop at the shoe maker right now. You gotta get some lifts for your shoes.
MICKEY: Lifts?! Look Kramer you don't understand, this kind of thing is just not done.
KRAMER: You wanna keep your job don't you?
MICKEY: Ya but..
(Kramer interrupts him)
KRAMER: YAH! No Buts
MICKEY: Kramer
(Kramer interrupts again)
KRAMER: (with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!
(Scene Ends)
[Fulton's Hospital Room]
(Fulton lying in the Hospital Bed, Jerry Enters)
JERRY: Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me.
FULTON: Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.
JERRY: Who couldn't.
FULTON: I haven't cracked a smile in months.
JERRY: Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit.
FULTON: It's a fine time.
JERRY: Oh, all right ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him....
(Scene Ends)
[Monk's]
(George and Daphne sitting in a booth reading the paper)
GEORGE: (sets down his paper) So how were the eggs?
DAPHNE: Eggs are eggs.
GEORGE: (Not amused with her answer) Eggs are eggs. That is very profound. (laughs; Daphne goes back to reading her paper) By the same token you could say fish is fish. Ha ha ha, I don't think so. (pauses) Listen Daphne
DAPHNE: (correcting George) Daphne.
GEORGE: Daphne. I have to tell you something, this is very difficult...
DAPHNE: (interrupts and hurriedly puts down her paper) Oh, I forgot to tell you. Al Netchie called me today.
GEORGE: Ya, ya. I bumped into him on the bus. What did he have to say?
DAPHNE: He told me not to get involved with you.
GEORGE: What?
DAPHNE: Ya, he said you could never make a commitment to any one and you'd just wind up (reaches out and lightly slaps George's hand) hurting me.
GEORGE: He said that? (Daphne shacks her head) What a nerve. How dare he say something like that.
DAPHNE: Is it true?
GEORGE: Of course not. I mean sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past, when I may have reacted in uh impulsive or somewhat immature manner, but those days are well behind me.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: ABC Studios]
(All My Children Set)
SON: How long are you going to be away for Daddy?
FATHER: I'm not really going away, I told you, I'll be back every other weekend.
SON: Don't go Daddy, don't go.
FATHER: Now Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much, but sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
DIRECTOR: (walks into the scene) ...and there's your scene. Stand-ins
KRAMER: Yo
STAGE HAND (Larry David's voice): All right you guys get on their spots so we can fix the lights.
(Mickey and Kramer walk onto the set and get into positions)
KRAMER: (taps the Father on the shoulder) That's good work.
MICKEY: (quickly with no acting) How long you going to be away for Daddy?
KRAMER: (trying to act like the guy playing the Father) I'm not really going away, I told you I'd be back every other weekend.
MICKEY: (tugs on Kramer's coat) Don't go Daddy, don't...go.
KRAMER: Now listen Porter, you know your mother and I love you very much. But sometimes people fall out of love. Now give me a big hug.
(Kramer and Mickey go to hug and Kramer's pipe hits Mickey in the face)
MICKEY: Ah! (pauses for the hug) all right (Kramer still holding on) all right! Kramer! (pushes Kramer off him)
DIRECTOR: Ok everybody that's lunch... one hour.
(The director pauses and looks at Mickey as if something is different)
KRAMER: How do those lifts feel?
MICKEY: Quiet.
TAMMY: Hi guys.
MICKEY: Hey Tammy.
TAMMY: Hey, you look different. Have you been working out?
MICKEY: (looks at Kramer) Not that I know of.
TAMMY: Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it you look great.
MICKEY: How about lunch?
TAMMY: OH I can't today, but um I see it our future. (starts to leave) See ya Kramer.
KRAMER: Ya.
TAMMY: Bye Mickey
KRAMER: Ooo she likes you buddy (they to a high five hand shake)
KRAMER & MICKEY: Ya!
MICKEY: All of a sudden.
KRAMER: What?
JOHNNY: Hey Mick.
MICKEY: How you doin' Johnny?
JOHNNY: What gives...what's going on? Goin' out with Tammy?
MICKEY: Maybe. What's it to you?
JOHNNY: Somethin' different about you.
MICKEY: I got my hair cut that's all (turns to look at Kramer)
JOHNNY: Nah, that's not it. Something else... Ya you look different.
(Kramer starts eating a sandwich)
MICKEY: You don't, you got the same ugly mug since the day I met ya.
JOHNNY: I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out.
(Kramer and Mickey look at each other, Mickey makes a pointing motion as if to reference the conversation with Johnny, Kramer shakes his head no.)
[Back to Jerry with Fulton]
JERRY: ..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Pachyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really, really, funny.
(Phil Enters)
PHIL: Hey Jerry.
JERRY: Hey Phil how you doing?
PHIL: You look terrific.
JERRY: I got my health.
PHIL: Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing?
JERRY: (wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry and Elaine)
ELAINE: You should have told that story about Pachyderm dropping the pizza.
(Buzzer)
JERRY: I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
GEORGE: (on the speaker) Ya
JERRY: Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys.
ELAINE: Do I know him?
JERRY: No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him.
ELAINE: If you were a woman would you go out with him?
JERRY: If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
ELAINE: (laughs) Ya, I bet you would. all right, give him my number.
JERRY: all right.
(George Enters)
GEORGE: This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'
JERRY: What?
GEORGE: Ya. That's what she told me.
ELAINE: Why?
GEORGE: Because he's afraid she's gonna get hurt.
ELAINE: Is she?
GEORGE: Of course.
ELAINE: So?
GEORGE: Wa.. He doesn't have to tell her.
ELAINE: Maybe he likes her.
GEORGE: Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me.
JERRY: So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE: Well I can't break up with her now.
JERRY: Why?
GEORGE: Because he said I was going to.
ELAINE: So now you're going to keep going out with her, for spite?
GEORGE: Yes, I am.
JERRY: Ya, I could see that.
GEORGE: I don't see any way around it.
JERRY: No, me either.
GEORGE: What choice do I have?
JERRY: None.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: ABC Studio Locker Room]
(Mickey walks in to discover his Locker is open and that his lifts where in there)
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry and Kramer)
JERRY: Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse.
KRAMER: Did you tell him the Pachyderm story?
JERRY: (yelling) Yes I told him the Pachyderm story!
KRAMER: Maybe I outta go over there.
JERRY: Towards what end?
KRAMER: I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days, the doctors were amazed at his recovery.
(Knocking on the Door)
(Jerry and Kramer walk over to it, Kramer opens it to reveal Mickey)
KRAMER: Hey.
JERRY: Hey Mick.
MICKEY: (to Kramer) Johnny Vigiano went through my locker.
KRAMER: YAOH!
MICKEY: (slamming the door) That little Bastard! He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening. (to Kramer) This never would have happened if you hadn't pushed me to get those things. I told you.
KRAMER: Hey, nobody put a gun to your head.
MICKEY: Ya well just keep out of my business you big ape. (pushes Kramer)
KRAMER: Who you calling big ape? (pushes Mickey back)
MICKEY: You (grabs Kramer)
(Mickey and Kramer begin a struggle)
JERRY: (starts pulling them apart) All right break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells)
KRAMER: (pacing back and forth) Ya.
JERRY; Behave yourselves.
MICKEY: I'm sorry Kramer.
KRAMER: No no it's all right, it's all right. You're stressed Oout!
JERRY: (to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?
MICKEY: Oh, he's always been jealous of me. I always get to stand in for the bigger stars; The Cosby Kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.
KRAMER: (whistles) What's he like huh?
MICKEY: He's a good kid.
KRAMER: Ya?
JERRY: So what does he care if you put lifts in?
MICKEY: You don't understand. There's an unwritten code about this kind of thing. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, Everything. Oh, I knew I was crazy to try this kind of thing, but I was so desperate. (pauses laying on the couch; jumps up) What is this kid taking anyway? Hormones? Steroids? Would you tell me!?
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: George's car outside Daphne's place]
DAPHNE: George, tomorrow's Sunday. We could sleep late, and get the paper and half breakfast and spend the morning together, go for a long walk, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch...
GEORGE: (interrupts her) You know what. I don't think I'm going to be able to stay over tonight.
DAPHNE: Why not?
GEORGE: I, I really should go home. Ya.. actually I'm planning on spending the day with my father tomorrow (short laugh) we're uh we're going to a father-son picnic, just the two of us.
DAPHNE: I thought we were going to spend the day together.
GEORGE: Well Dad's been planning this for such a long time, he bought a new blanket, and he got tha...that game with foam paddles and the Velcro ball. (laughs)
DAPHNE: Have you given any more thought to what we talked about? You know, moving in?
GEORGE: Yes, oh yes very much.
DAPHNE: Maybe you don't want to move in.
GEORGE: No, no I do. You know it's just...
DAPHNE: (interrupting him) Maybe Al Netchie was right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with you.
GEORGE: (angry that she believes Al was right) No he's not right. Al Netchie is not right! all right I'm canceling the father-son picnic. I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Elaine and Phil in Phil's car outside Elaine's Apartment]
ELAINE: (Phil cracking up) So then Pachyderm picks up the pieces of pizza, and mind you know they are burning hot.. he can barely hold 'em. I mean he's like trying to juggle (does a juggling motion and begins laughing) the pizza, you know ah. And then they go flying out of...
PHIL: (dying of laughter) I'm peeing in my pants.
ELAINE: (cont.) they go flying out of his hands, and one lands on her face and the other lands on his face. (pause as they both continue to laugh really hard) and the whole place went crazy.
PHIL: Oh, I'm sorry, Oh. What a story.
ELAINE: I know, I know, I was unbelievable
(laughter dying)
PHIL: Oh that is one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.
ELAINE: (wipes her eyes because she laughed so hard she cried) I know.
PHIL: Well this has been one hell of a night.
ELAINE: Oh, I'm sorry Jerry didn't suggest this sooner.
PHIL: You know, you really are beautiful Elaine.
ELAINE: Oh, well, (pauses) Good night.
PHIL: Good night?
ELAINE: Well (leans in to kiss Phil, then looks down at his pants with a awkward look on her face)
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Jerry's Apartment]
(Jerry sitting on a stool on the phone)
JERRY: (on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week. It killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey.
ELAINE: Hello.
JERRY: So?
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: Come on. How was your date?
ELAINE: Oh, the date. The date.
JERRY: Ya how was it?
ELAINE: Interesting.
JERRY: Really.
ELAINE: Oh ya.
JERRY: Why what happened?
ELAINE: Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.
JERRY: Just put it.
ELAINE: He took it out.
JERRY: (confused) He what?
ELAINE: He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.
JERRY: He took what out?
ELAINE: It.
JERRY: He took It, Out?
ELAINE: Yessiree Bob.
JERRY: He couldn't.
ELAINE: He did.
JERRY: (motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
ELAINE: Noooo.
JERRY: You mean he just
ELAINE: Yes.
JERRY: Are you sure?
ELAINE: Oh quite.
JERRY: There was no mistaking it?
ELAINE: (looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.
JERRY: So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound 'mmm') you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound 'mmm') then all of sudden...
ELAINE: Yea.
JERRY: It.
ELAINE: It.
JERRY: Out.
ELAINE: Out.
JERRY: Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
ELAINE: Oh it be. (sarcastically) You got any other friends you want to set me up with?
(Kramer enters)
KRAMER: Hey. (to Elaine) Hey how was your date with Phil Titola?
ELAINE: (to Kramer) He took it out.
(Shocked, Kramer acts like he just got a cold shiver down his back)
KRAMER: Maybe uh, it needed some air. You know sometimes they need air, they can't breathe in there. It's in human.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Monk's]
(Jerry and George sitting at the booth nearest to the door)
GEORGE: So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.
JERRY: It.
GEORGE: It.
JERRY: Out.
GEORGE: Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) all right, Hey come on, get out of here, Daphne gonna be here any minute.
JERRY: All right I'm going.
GEORGE: You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.
JERRY: Well how long you are going to keep this up?
GEORGE: Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.
JERRY: You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet.
GEORGE: I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.
JERRY: Yes I do.
GEORGE: What are you doing?
JERRY: I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Fulton's Hospital Room]
(Phil and Jerry in the hall outside Fulton's Room)
PHIL: Ah hey Jer.
JERRY: Oh hey Phil.
PHIL: You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.
JERRY: Well, y..you showed her who you are.
(Phil turns to see a woman breast feeding her baby down the hallway)
PHIL: Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public.
JERRY: Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last.
PHIL: I'll see ya.
JERRY: Ya take it easy.
(Phil leaves)
(Jerry enters Fulton's Room)
JERRY: (acting like he was walking on stage) Hey how ya doing? Good to be here.
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: ABC Studios set]
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
MICKEY: all right, rock beats paper.
(Mickey smacks Kramer on the hand for losing)
KRAMER: I thought paper covered rock?
MICKEY: Nah, rock flies right through paper.
KRAMER: What beats rock?
MICKEY: (looks at his hand) Nothing beats rock.
KRAMER: all right come on.
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: Rock
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: Rock.
(Bob walks by)
MICKEY: Hey Bob. What's with you? You gotta problem? (to Kramer) You see that look he gave me? (starts to get up to go after him)
KRAMER: (stops Mickey) all right, come on.
KRAMER & MICKEY: Rock, paper, scissors match.
KRAMER: Rock.
MICKEY: Rock.
(Tammy walks up)
MICKEY: Hey Tammy.
TAMMY: Hello.
MICKEY: So Tammy, finally, today's our big lunch.
TAMMY: I don't think so.
MICKEY: Why not? What the hell are you talking about?
TAMMY: Look Mickey, everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set.
MICKEY: Wait, wait (goes to grab her arm)
TAMMY: (recoils) Don't touch me. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. All the progress we made over the years and you go and blow it by pulling a stupid stunt like this.
MICKEY: Wait a second, wait a second, you got me all wrong. It was all because of the kid. (numerous little people begin to crowd around them) (to Tammy) The kid was growing. He shot up two and a half inches in a month. (to all the little people) I woulda' lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing. (seeing the crowd still doesn't agree with what he did, he points at Kramer) It's all his fault. (Kramer acts like he doesn't know what Mickey is talking about) It was his idea.
TAMMY: Come on Johnny, let's go get something to eat.
(all the little people leave including Tammy along with Johnny)
MICKEY: (in complete disgust as seeing Tammy leave with Johnny) AH! (turns and looks at Kramer) AH!
KRAMER: What?
(Mickey runs and tackles Kramer)
MICKEY: AH!
KRAMER: Mickey!
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Back in Fulton's Hospital Room]
(Jerry is doing material)
JERRY: This guy's belching out vitamins..
FULTON: (dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.
JERRY: (cont.) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?
FULTON: (still laughing and coughing) Stop.
JERRY: For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?
(Scene Ends)
[Setting: Back at Monk's]
(George and Daphne at the booth nearest to the door)
DAPHNE: George, first let me just say I've never been with a guy who was so committed to commit. I mean it's so rare in men these days an, that's what makes this all the more difficult.
GEORGE: (happily) Difficult?
DAPHNE: The other day, after work, some girlfriends and I went to a bar for some drinks and there was this crazy mishap and I wound up meeting someone as a result. George...
GEORGE: (acting disappointed) Oh, please don't.
DAPHNE: Uh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the worst of it is it's someone you know. Jerry Persheck.
GEORGE: Pachyderm?
DAPHNE: Heh, he was carrying these two pieces of pizza...
The End
Posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site